You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It's rum buckets o'clock
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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