your parents love me but you hate me
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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