You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
