i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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