The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
