I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
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