She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I want a musical about memes.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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