i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
