I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize