i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
