I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
