I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
