i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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