is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
