Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
