so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
