Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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