rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
