First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Randomize
