Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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