nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
