for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
