when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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