that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
