I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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