u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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