yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
i think my cat just said my name.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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