I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize