Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
