You just made me feel so damn special
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
