I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
