why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
