Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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