You just made me feel so damn special
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My penis needs a shock collar
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
