The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
