I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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