i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Congratulations! We have a period
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
