cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
