you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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