i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
