Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
