I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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