I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
