How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
