So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
