omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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