FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
