I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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