To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
