There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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