He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
