your thong is hanging out like whoa
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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