my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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