When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
