All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
