Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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